Independence Day

4th July 2011

We met one last time,

before her return to the land of the free.

On Indepenence Day, how apt, to sign over the Estate,

or station wagon as they would say, in exchange for

our convertible, our first joint purchase

in those heady, loved-filled days;

before she rear-ended it, in a pre-empting of our marriage.

The car we saved, the marriage not.

We talked of honour, but neither had none,

And tears fell behind the mirrored lenses,

That stopped the other seeing the sadness

Welling in our eyes,

As we held stories of new dreams and love

Close to our own hearts, too painful to share.

The door is not just closed,

but locked from within.

Two signatures and thus was signed

our own declaration of independence.

The abyss

So this is the abyss, the depth of my heart. Coming home alone from a lovely evening on the river with a beautiful friend, my return to the flat is full of a sadness and despair. My suffering is so light to the suffering of many, more pained souls, yet for me is inescapable. It is my all, my only truth. Nothing else matters, my soul cares not for anything else but it's solitary truth. I am become the Hermit, in my divorce from the world. Yet this too will pass. This moment of my most pained self, lost in a world of unfulfilled dream potential. Whether I live or die, for now, I am on my own in this. No other can give redemption, the external cannot be the internal process necessary for my awakening. My truth lies only within. Oh, how I miss her, the other, the co-dependent self. My beloved, projected on the world, my wife. But she is gone, truly, fully & with purpose, and my co-created journey as the alchemical twin is of equal value, if only I can see beyond my deluded ego state. Death too is an awakening state, & I ride closer to my edge in this experience of life than ever before. I long for settled times again, but see an intensification of our experience before the dust may settle. Roll on 2013. The time beyond.

The Empress & the Hermit

The Empress & the Hermit

A new start. A rebecoming.

To be boundaried, I must turn within,

Not without for my satisfaction.

There is nothing in the outer world

That draws my attention, nor gives solace.

The inner dream is the only place

I can find peace, joy & love. Now.

In a different world, you exist.

And I am so glad to have delighted

In your sovereign essence, been present

In your gift. Yet it was another world,

Another dream, incarnate.

One where I could never quite be met.

Nor truly exist, yet the heart

Thought it was home with you;

So pure & radiant were your charms

& the journey you promised

The one true path deserving of my blessing.

Last night in Tobago.

An evening on the balcony,

listening to the sounds of paradise.

I delved into consciousness, to witness

Her higher truth; soul, other, lover, queen.

Only in meditation can I get the truth

Of where my beloved resides.

I search in vain the twitter,

But the partner of my soul,

Can only be found in the sacred spaces

Of the true essence of my heart.

What is on the outer,

first most come from within.

So I will go with love

On my inner journey home.

(with thanks to A.A.Almaas & the beloved)

Tobagon tide

Beyond my wishes I was called to swim naked,

To dive new born into the Ocean of Atlantis.

Last night, the leatherback gave birth

Out of her natural buoyant self

She landed on her birthing beach,

An amazing turtle, true mother earth returned,

Leaving her eggs, at Easter, for newfound hope.

That they might hatch, allowed to live,

Is all that separates us from extinction.

And now the rains return, a tropical shower

That blesses this paradisal isle,

This land of happiness & joy,

That feels so foreign to my wounded pride,

That I may have another truly understand,

And with that love, the soul I truly am.

Newfound hope

Tomorrow I wake a new man.

The dream has, after much soul searching

Granted me a balm. Where once I was the victim,

Now I see the greater plan. Or at least sense it

In the vision of my other. my beloved.

I may never meet again the sweetheart

That visited me tonight, yet that no longer matters,

Though I would always wish it more I did.

Instead I am freed to be myself,

To live with hope, that I may give such radiance

In life, in healing, to others in need

As I have seen in the gorgeousness of the goddess

Who as awoken in my heart tonight.

23.4.11

Easter Saturday in Tobago, struggling with loss of the beloved.

Every morning I bring roses to your grave,

And slowly, day by day,

build a shrine to your memory.

In mourning the life we once had

It is not only the mother who has passed,

But also my favourite daughter

Taken before her time.

The father in me, who promised,

Never to abandon & hold sacred his dearest love

is forced against his Will to let go, forsake

His most beloved child to Fate.

It is the one promise I swore never to break, broken.

For a kindly loving soul, from a place of light

This human life is too cruel to bear,

And I will not mourn it when it passes.

'I am holding space for you'

you whisper from behind the veil,

and from deep within my well of anguished tears,

"I am holding time for you, my dearest love"

Is all I can reply.